We Ranked Movie Santas Based on Their Logistics Abilities
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Image by @jessonmata via unsplash
The real Santa is great at logistics. If you think about it, he’s a shipper, carrier, and logistics broker rolled into one. He manages the goods at the workshop, arranges their travel, and then delivers everything in one night.
Since the real Santa is busy at the North Pole, not many people have actually met the big guy. That means that when we see Santa in movies, writers have to take some liberties. Not every movie Santa is the same, and that includes their logistics abilities. Some of them are doing great. Others could use some extra help.
We ranked some of our favorite movie Santas by freight skill. Let’s start from the worst ones and work our way up.
5. A Christmas Story
image by @hombre via unsplash
Up first is the Santa from A Christmas Story. We may be cheating with this one, since that guy wasn’t really supposed to be Santa. He was clearly one of Santa’s department store helpers. We’re using the word “helper” very loosely.
In A Christmas Story, our hero Ralphie is on a mission: to acquire a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle. After multiple adults dismiss his dream, Ralphie has one Hail Mary left: visiting a department store Santa on Christmas Eve.
It doesn’t go well.
Santa and his elves look like the kind of people who show up at your workplace with baseball bats if you’re late on a payment. And sure, Santa has the red nose you’d expect, but it’s less “jolly with Christmas cheer” and more “overheated from this velvet suit.”
Santa’s in a hurry, too. The department store’s about to close, and he’s ready to get those kids out of there so he can go home and enjoy a microwaved burrito. So he gives each terrified kid about three seconds to say what they want for Christmas, right before the bookie elf throws them down a slide.
Shipper Score: 0/10. As far as we can tell, this guy didn’t have any goods to deliver. Or any semblance of human joy, for that matter.
Carrier Score: 0/10. This Santa only had one real “delivery” job: to get the kids from the top of the slide to the bottom. He didn’t put too much effort into it.
Logistics Score: 0/10. We get it. Logistical delays happen all the time. Between traffic, bad weather, and all kinds of other nonsense, sometimes you have to think on your feet. That’s one of the reasons why people hire logistics brokers to begin with. But dude, the way to handle a traffic jam is not to have your elf buddies throw children down a slide like they’re sacks of potatoes and you’re behind on your French fry quota. That’s just poor planning, man.
Overall: 0/10
4. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
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Next up is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. You may know the song (and we apologize for getting stuck in your head just now), but are you familiar with the movie? No? Well, we’re delighted to be the ones who get to introduce you.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a made-for-TV animated movie from the year 2000. Our protagonist, Jake Spankenheimer (why not) has a grandma who owns a general store. She refuses to sell it to Austin Bucks, who owns everything else in the town of Cityville.
There’s some family conflict about that, and then, like the name of the movie suggests, Grandma gets run over by a reindeer. And then she goes missing.
Anyway, it turns out that Grandma has amnesia and can’t remember who she is, so Santa brings her back to the North Pole to figure it out. Jake only finds her because he sends Santa an email, which was cutting edge technology in 2000.
They return to Cityville, but Grandma goes missing for a second time. It all works out in the end, but not before Santa is put on trial for kidnapping, sleighicular negligence, and leaving the scene of an accident.
Shipper Score: 10/10. This is the one area where Santa didn’t mess anything up. He had goods, and he sent them out. If he handled everything else the way he handled shipping, he wouldn’t be ranked so low on the list.
Carrier Score: 0/10. There’s really no redeeming yourself once you let one of your reindeer dive-bomb a grandma.
Logistics Score: 5/10. Kidnapping is not the solution to your problems.
Overall: 4/10. Honestly, he deserved that lawsuit.
3. The Santa Clause
In The Santa Clause, divorced dad Scott Calvin spends Christmas Eve with his son, Charlie. When Santa lands on Scott’s roof, Scott assumes that the man is a burglar. He startles Santa enough to make him fall off the roof and disappear. Santa’s business card instructs Scott to put on the Santa suit, so he does. But it turns out that there was some fine print on that card. If you murder Santa and put on his suit, you become Santa yourself. Classic. Sweet dreams, kids.
Shipper Score: 10/10. This Santa excels here. He’s great at warehouse management and making sure that the toys are ready to be shipped. We’re basing this score off of his actions later in the movie, because he had nothing to do with getting that first shipment ready. For that, we’re giving credit to the first Santa. The one who fell off the roof.
Carrier Score: 3/10. He got all the gifts delivered on time, but he definitely committed manslaughter first. Plus, he really didn’t have much to do with the transport. He was very ready to go home and disappoint billions of children, but the reindeer stubbornly hauled that sled from house to house, no matter what the cranky man had to say about it. The only reason we’re even giving him those three points is because he didn’t make things worse.
Logistics Score: 5/10. You’ve got to read the fine print, man.
Overall: 6/10. Not the best, but he gets the “most improved” award.
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a stop-motion film from the sixties. When our protagonist is born with a glowing red nose, his dad covers it with a fake one, teaching Rudolph his first valuable life lesson: being different is bad. We’re already off to a great start.
At the Reindeer Games, where Santa scouts his reindeer, the fake nose comes off. Rudolph leaves in disgrace to hang out with a misfit elf who wants to be a dentist.
Several other plot points happen, and at the end of the movie, Santa nearly has to cancel Christmas because of a snowstorm. Good news, though! Rudolph’s glowing red nose can help guide the sleigh in the dark. Christmas is saved!
Now, let’s take a look at how our Santa did.
Shipper Score: 9/10. Reindeer games seem like a great way to keep up morale. However, Rudolph was getting bullied on Santa’s watch, so Santa loses a point for that. Otherwise, this Santa did pretty well in the shipping department.
Carrier Score: 8/10. Not bad overall. But he loses a couple of points due to lack of planning. Santa delivers Christmas presents on December 24th every year, so it seems like a snowstorm shouldn’t catch him off guard. Snow in the middle of winter isn’t a new thing, Santa. You could’ve planned for that. You probably should’ve installed some headlights a long time ago. What were the chances of a reindeer being born with a glowing nose? You got very, very lucky with that one.
Logistics Score: 7/10. Knows how to put a team together, still ignored Rudolph until it was convenient.
Overall: 8/10
1. Elf
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Elf features an orphaned human named Buddy who becomes an elf after crawling into Santa’s bag as a baby. Papa Elf raises Buddy as his own, and the rest is history.
Shipper Score: 10/10. No complaints. Santa got the job done.
Carrier Score: 7/10. All the gifts were delivered on time, but how did you not notice that a kid crawled into your bag, dude? We understand wanting to avoid deadhead miles, but this might not be the best way to do it.
Logistics Score: 9/10. Apart from that one big mistake that kicked off the plot, Santa’s doing a pretty good job here. He has an expert team, he fixes problems as they arise, and he keeps the whole operation running well.
Overall: 9/10
We Can’t All Be Santa
Santa may be able to handle it all, but for the rest of us mortals, it’s better to work as a team. Even if you don’t have to deliver toys to every child in one night, being a shipper or carrier comes with all kinds of unique challenges. Pearce Worldwide is here to help. Get in touch with us today to learn more.
